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I tell as much i can today.
I haven't updated in ages for the main reason that im too damn busy, and my grandfather died. I don't know what to say about it. I lived with him till the end. I saw being placed in the creamtorium. It really is something to behold, seeing your lolo dead anbd cold, when you're so used to seeing him happy, lod... alive.
A lot has happened, from Mei leaving for Australia, to lolo leaving... for good.
When you've lost and hurt so much early on in life... you begin to grow numb to everything. You forget what it's like to feel, because you've felt so much... felt too much. You try to swallow down the tears that want to come out.... im turning into you, mei. I'd rather not cry now. Rather not let anyone see the red lining my eyes (even though it's a very Mai thing to do have...) and the tear-stains on my cheeks. I don't the numbness. I don't like this loss of feeling. But it's better than hurt, than rage, than envy... than jealousy.
I've had my fair share of jealousy this month. Selene and Portugal (but I'm over that now.) The rage was unbearble at the begining, though. You know that very well, Selene . You don't love her. You said so. I believe you. and just very recently, I found out that Alexa went out with ian and katya with titus. I don't know if it's jealousy. Just irritation that Ian could end up with her. Would it bother me? I don't know. Probably only because it was with, of all people... Alexa. Is it jealosy when I talk about Black, Selene? Is it jealousy you feel now that I'm with Mike, Ian? You kept mentioning him months after we broke up. Is that why you refuse to talk to me? Is that why you refuse to be friends with me? Or something else... maybe you really just didn't want me. I'm too much to hadle, and you don't like dealing with the big, complicated stuff. I was too messed up for you. That's why I'm with Mike, because he gets me, he sits and listens... not hears, but really listeins to what I have to say. you're better off with an airhead. Airheads are easy to handle, but high-maintenance. Like little pet bitches (both meaning the girl dog and the other thing..). Keep them happy and make them feel giddyang kilig all the time. Yeah, she's perfect for you.
But recently I've taken to blocking it all out. I turn to Frank for consolation. "Numbness is not the absence of feeling, it's loving so many feelings at once that you loose yourself in it." Right Frank, right. He basically told me that in so many words.
No one truly understands lonliness. No one will get what I feel, or get what Im trying to say. It's fine. I'll go on and smile, just like everything's fine. I'll pretend Mei's still here. I'll pretend that Lolo isn't gone. I'll pretend I'm ok. I'm ok.
Really.
My only comfort is when my friends text me. I'm a pathetic little bitch, aren't i? Ibitch and cry and complain and hepl people when it's their turn to bitch, cry and complain.
I haven't updated in ages for the main reason that im too damn busy, and my grandfather died. I don't know what to say about it. I lived with him till the end. I saw being placed in the creamtorium. It really is something to behold, seeing your lolo dead anbd cold, when you're so used to seeing him happy, lod... alive.
A lot has happened, from Mei leaving for Australia, to lolo leaving... for good.
When you've lost and hurt so much early on in life... you begin to grow numb to everything. You forget what it's like to feel, because you've felt so much... felt too much. You try to swallow down the tears that want to come out.... im turning into you, mei. I'd rather not cry now. Rather not let anyone see the red lining my eyes (even though it's a very Mai thing to do have...) and the tear-stains on my cheeks. I don't the numbness. I don't like this loss of feeling. But it's better than hurt, than rage, than envy... than jealousy.
I've had my fair share of jealousy this month. Selene and Portugal (but I'm over that now.) The rage was unbearble at the begining, though. You know that very well, Selene . You don't love her. You said so. I believe you. and just very recently, I found out that Alexa went out with ian and katya with titus. I don't know if it's jealousy. Just irritation that Ian could end up with her. Would it bother me? I don't know. Probably only because it was with, of all people... Alexa. Is it jealosy when I talk about Black, Selene? Is it jealousy you feel now that I'm with Mike, Ian? You kept mentioning him months after we broke up. Is that why you refuse to talk to me? Is that why you refuse to be friends with me? Or something else... maybe you really just didn't want me. I'm too much to hadle, and you don't like dealing with the big, complicated stuff. I was too messed up for you. That's why I'm with Mike, because he gets me, he sits and listens... not hears, but really listeins to what I have to say. you're better off with an airhead. Airheads are easy to handle, but high-maintenance. Like little pet bitches (both meaning the girl dog and the other thing..). Keep them happy and make them feel giddyang kilig all the time. Yeah, she's perfect for you.
But recently I've taken to blocking it all out. I turn to Frank for consolation. "Numbness is not the absence of feeling, it's loving so many feelings at once that you loose yourself in it." Right Frank, right. He basically told me that in so many words.
No one truly understands lonliness. No one will get what I feel, or get what Im trying to say. It's fine. I'll go on and smile, just like everything's fine. I'll pretend Mei's still here. I'll pretend that Lolo isn't gone. I'll pretend I'm ok. I'm ok.
Really.
My only comfort is when my friends text me. I'm a pathetic little bitch, aren't i? Ibitch and cry and complain and hepl people when it's their turn to bitch, cry and complain.
dad, stop laughing at me.. >>
XDD;;